The past several months have been as trying as any I can remember.

I am dealing with several dying close relatives and several very ill ones.

As one may imagine, this takes a lot of time and energy.

So, you probably will not be able to imagine
the response which I got to a very friendly query
from a certain party several months ago,
right as my very dearly beloved (ex)sister-in-law,
in her early 50's, 
suddenly fell over dead without obvious explanation,
with foul play immediately suspected
and subsequently "proven"
during following weeks and months.

Let's just say the response was not pretty.

And next thing I know
I am receiving some very strange phone calls,
which I find to be especially outrageous
and much-deserving of
extremely aggressive legal action
on my part,
in self defense.

So, as I am getting madder and madder by the hour
at these gross invasions and assaults and threats,
it seems a letter had been sent by e-mail.

It is outrageous
and full of slander and grotesque falsifications.

I only saw a copy of it for the first time several days ago.

I was so mad that I began to look up the biggest,
baddest law firm in the region
and pay them large amounts of $$$
to crush these vipers with extreme prejudice.

So, during the past several days,
while I am supposed to be de-escalating
and getting ready to travel,
and figuring out how to wrap up numerous loose ends
before I leave for nearly one month,
I am furious
and preoccupied with making cost projections
to decide just how large of a retainer
I am going to need to put down on the counter
with instructions to totally destroy my opponents,
in addition to the equal amount of costs
for private investigators galore.

This is when you know
that I am really p***ed off
and feeling threatened enough
to go into "take no prisoners" mode.

So, as I am in a furious rage
and not fun to be around
during the past several days,
I am going through

the various lies,



mischaracterizations, and

grossly intentional misrepresentations

which I have just discovered to my great chagrin.

I decide that it is time for a long walk on the beach (i.e. miles)
before I hit the road southbound back to one of my other homes nearer to my office.

So, as I am sitting alone
and enjoying the sound of the waves
I am watching numerous
Asiatic, and
MIddle Eastern tourists
playing with the squirrels
and then kicking at them
in a most ridiculous looking manner
as the little ground squirrels run around amongst them.

I have watched this half the day on the day before,
and am again watching it on Saturday morning.

I don't like to see people kicking at any of the animals.

Besides being a criminal act
(you can see the animal rights activist
coming out of me),
it is really kind of outrageous
to get the animals all psyched up
by hand feeding them
and then getting mad
because they are now very excited.

As I was sitting in a half-asleep state
I suddenly heard some of the loudest
and wildest of noises
I had heard all morning.

I looked in my rear view mirror
to see three persons in a group
with one of them screaming and waving arms
and gesticulating
at the squirrels and gulls,
who, of course, had no idea
what that was all about,
as neither did I.

It looked like the person was letting off some steam,
so I tried to pay no attention.

The noise continued on for some time
and was now becoming rather more insistent,
as it were.

I looked in the mirror again
as this person was waving an object
at the huge bunch of gulls
which had just been unknowingly inherited
from a prior couple of groups,
as numerous ground squirrels surrounded feet
causing screams at the little creatures on the ground
while wildly trying to wave off the birds.

The terrror seemed, somehow,
rather feigned,
so that I was far more concerned for the birds
and squirrels,
most of whom I have known personally
since they were born,
as I looked closer
to see just who was making all of the noise.

As I looked closer 
I suddenly realized
that I think I know this person.

As a matter of fact,
I think it may be none other than
one of my primary accusers
who is currently attacking me
from thousands of miles away
right there, directly in front of me,
as I sit in almost as remote
a spot as one is likely to find
on this stretch of coast.

I noticed that the screaming, gesticulating party
was smoking a cigarette.

How strange,
I thought to myself,
for this particular person.

I noticed that the three of them
were moving closer and closer
to my car from behind.

I do not normally allow most people
to move in behind me,
as a matter of habit.

So, I got out of the car
to find out just who these persons were
and what, exactly, they were up to.

I almost fell over
as I was within touching distance of my accuser
who was now standing directly in front of me.
The accuser was strangely quiet,
considering how much noise there had been
just moments before,
and plainly pretending not to notice that I even exist.

Wow, I thought to myself.

That's really weird.

Maybe I don't exist

(I have been watching too many of
Brian Greene's NOVA series' I am afraid).

So, I looked at the other two to see what they thought about this.

They were staring at me menacingly
and long and hard,
as well as a good deal of quizzical.

And both of them were making intense eye contact,
such that I was pretty sure that CERN
hadn't just done some weird number on me.

I could see that there was no clear leader here,
although, it seemed to be a draw between
the Doppelganger
and one of the two others.

The Doppelganger?


It is a very famous concept
and person
in German fiction.

The infamous "double".

For, I knew here that there is no way
that this could be the actual accuser,
because we all know that many lies
must continue to be fabricated and perpetuated,
which means how here
and there, thousands of miles away, 
at once?

And we all know
that any real human
would be so ashamed
that they would immediately apologize
for all of the horrors
which they are continuing,
needlessly and pointlessly,
to perpetuate.

But not this one.

After I made certain that the other two could,
in fact,
see me,
then I looked back at the Doppelganger.

What a strange sight to behold.

I could only wonder
what the other two must be thinking
as I simply disregarded them
from that second forward,
as if they were never there.

Not meaning to be rude,
but definitely being that intensely focused
on the Doppelganger
in front of me.

I have wanted badly to talk with the Doppelganger.

But not like this.

I looked over every single square inch of the Doppelganger,
with the greatest of caution,
until I was absolutely certain
that I had made a positive i.d.

I noticed the two companions
watching my every move intensely
as I first looked to top of head
and then worked down to feet and toes
as a sudden
"bolt of recognition"
charged through my body,
causing me to jolt just a litte
only for a moment.

I was pretty sure they had noticed,
because I think it was that obvious.

It was only then that I began to study facial features alone,
to see if this was, indeed,
the one who is supposed to be thousands of miles away
and making an impossible task
out of what should have been a very simple one,
such that I am nuts from it.

The Doppelganger still continued to refuse to look me in the eye, thereby acknowledging my existence.

Presumably being so proud of great accomplishments
of mischaracterizing everything which I have ever done or said.

It's such a funny thing about slander and false witness.

I wanted so badly to talk.

But, the predicament which I am in is that


(reinforced times 3).

I am reminded of

"be wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove ---
and as sheep being led to slaughter"

that's a quote from an earlier post
= our ideals,
as believers.

Messiah was prophesied to stand before his accuser dumb,
as he is recorded to have done in fulfillment..

And so,
I decided that was way good enough company for me.

Wisdom from Proverbs chapters 1-9
was also whispering the same in my ears.

That's also is way good enough for me.


I cannot talk.

But I have very important things
which you need to know,
which I need to tell you
just as soon as possible.

Those keeping me from having this discussion
do not have good motives,
and most definitely
do not have your goodwill at heart,
although I can already hear them
protesting loudly to the contrary,
oh Doppelganger.

You are losing FAR MORE
than you can begin to imagine,
I am afraid.

I wish you could at least have the facts
so that YOU can make the choice,
and not others,
when it comes to these exact matters.

the Doppelganger made eye contact with me,
but only for the briefest blink of an eye.

But still way too long,
oh Doppelganger.

Because I can see a whole lot,
much faster than you may believe.

The eye truly is the window of the soul.

So, what did I see,
while looking into the window of YOUR soul
for about 1/10 of a second?

Deep outer darkness.

Deep inner darkness.

A huge and deep and dark void.

An incredible amount of shame,
most of it probably not warranted at all

An incredible amount of self-blame
most of it probably not warranted at all



Believe me,
I and many others
know the same rage quite well

I know it when I see it,
because I am it

And you most certainly are also.

As an aside,

this was one of the things
of which I said in the last post
that I was wondering about forgetting.

I knew that along with the shame and the humiliation,
which seem never-ending,
comes the intense rage
which turns in upon the true self
and tries to destroy the very last pieces
as some unholy consuming fire from hell.

The thing which I only partially get
is why SUCH INTENSE intense rage toward me?

It is as if I have somehow deeply failed you.

I recognize that there are always things
for which I will want to apologize.

But, mostly nothing beyond lack of courtesy
or lack of manners on my part.

But, what could I have possibly have done
to you to make you so engraged with me?

I have always,
from day one,
only wanted to help,
and nothing more.

I have no ulterior motives.

No strings are attached.

No requirements whatsoever.

I am way clean enough
to stand right squarely in front of you
and demand that you make your accusations
to my face
if you dare.

Which I noticed you did not!

I have had to stand pure and true
before terrifying characters
who are a lot tougher
than you ever even thought of being.

And I continue to nearly every day.

With me it is not optional
or something to be taken lightly.

in spite of the slanders to the contrary,
I should add.


I cried for hours continuously
as I began to plumb the depths of that well.

is that your anger is grossly misdirected.

I am YOUR friend, and not foe.


That is already settled, strangely enough.

I am highly likely to be the best friend
you could possibly have
and especially so during life crisis events.

As I began to put all of the pieces together
in utter astonishment
at what I was looking at within inches of me
I began to realize fully
just what a legal predicament the Doppelganger had created
such that I am damned if I do
and damned if I don't.

Oh, and what an irony.

One of the major things
which I wanted to apologize for,
in person,
was the very treatment
by these immediate circumstances
to repeat all over again.

Just how f****d up can things get,
I am now thinking to myself
as I realize that I am in a very dangerous predicament
with potential false witnesses
and somebody who has threatened me
with arrest and prosecution
for daring to speak
with this very Doppelganger.

You know, the "stink eye" look
which was given to me in that 1/10th of a second
said it all.

That was never there before now.

Why is that?

Or how could it even be at all?

That is to say,
just exactly how many ways are there
to make someone hate you
so much
that they give you the evil eye
with the "stay the hell away from me look",

Not many, I should hope.

We used to always think of it
as a most reliable sign
when we would see the little kids cower
as someone entered the room
who has been ill-spoken of
by the "parents",
and/or others in the household.

We see this in family law courts a lot
and it makes most everyone really mad
whenever we see it.

I could only wonder
whether I wasn't looking at the darkening effects
of this same thing.

What do you think?

because I could say nothing, 
but have much
which most definitely needs to be said,
all of it very good
and very beneficial
to the Doppelganger's interests,

I hung my head and walked away.

I was and am broken hearted.

Because I know that I was in a state of profound disbelief
and shock
I muttered several things with plenty of "f" words,
which I was worried as to what exactly was
or was not heard
or thought to be heard.

First, after staring in utter astonishment
from head to toe and back again,
without being able to comprehend
just what it was that is standing directly in front of me,
I said

"  (this) --- is a dead f*****g ringer" for Doppelganger. 

(as in a f*****g dead ringer,
as in
Oh my god,
I think it is the Doppelganger!).

Then I said that
"I cannot f*****g believe what I am seeing".

As in,
how in the world is someone
who is supposed to be thousands of miles away
standing directly in front of me,
while very weirdly pretending that I don't exist.

Am I being followed?

And finally as I walked away,

"This cannot f*****g be happening",

having realized that I cannot talk
without taking great and unwarranted

along with 

"Why does this have to be f*****g happening to me" ,

which actually was a rhetorical question
directed at the Lord God Almighty
who created Heaven and Earth,
figuring that from where he sits, up above,
He is the only one
who could possibly know the real answer.

Sorry about all of the repetitive epithets,
but that is just how I am when I am thunderstruck
and blathering more than speaking in coherent sentences.

Sorry about that ---

Just wanted those who think they heard this or that
or who think that I was cussing them out
to know what I actually was muttering to myself.
I am really devastated
in no small part
due to your
what should have been
a day of celebration
is instead,
one more day
in a very long and torturous
nightmare from hell.

This needs to be rectified asap.

I can assure you
that if required,
I am very much up to the job at hand,
but especially hateful all of the wasted

energy, and
all of which could be put to much better use,
I would hope.

I do not cower
and I will not tire,
although I am guaranteed to be "a bitch"
every now and again
(sorry about that particular word, girls),
and would far rather "die trying"
than I would not.

So, Doppelganger ---

this is how your little concoction
has played out so far

If I use perfectly legal and public means
to locate and contact you,
thanks to your apparently hysterical antics 
I am falsely branded as a criminal.

If not,
then I truly am a criminal
and that of an even worse sort,
although loved by the world
instead of prosecuted as crime.

What am I supposed to do?


While I don't mind getting arrested for you,
I don't think this is the time or place for that.

by snail mail
(i.e. U.S. Postal Service).

Your kinfolk
and, apparently you,
have forced this option on me.

I have cut off all electronic communication long ago,
thanks to some other antics from your kin.

I wish you would divorce yourself
from their behaviors,
once and for all.

It really should have no place, whatsoever,
as between you and I.

You should know my address.

If you do not,
then know that you may always look
on the California State Bar site.

They always know my address
and re-publish my most recent
one every year

It currently is:

1340 Callens Road
Ventura, CA  93003

It has been the same for over twenty years,
although I am looking for a new location
to buy outright,
instead of renting any longer.

with several little letters and numbers
if you would just let it.

May God abundantly bless you, Doppelganger.

1:28 a.m. pdst



I want you to know the following so that you know, of a certainty, that you need never be afraid to write.

I get mad at you, but never for long.

It is because I am afraid that you will merrily waltz off into the sunset only to find out that you really do need my help badly and are now too ashamed or proud to get in touch.


I totally forgive
anything you have done to me in the past,
and anything you will do to me in the future.

I have lived by this code for every day of my adult life.

So I know what I am saying, much moreso than others.

I forgive you totally and without condition.

I wish you could do at least a fraction of that for me,

Oh Doppelganger.